“Mixed” Dating: What it was and What it Is

When we think about mixed dating or a ‘˜mixed’ marriage, we might each be thinking about different things. The ‘˜mix’ usually is not a reference to any one set of specifics. It is, more commonly, a way of characterizing a relationship with someone who is different from yourself in some way deemed consequential by someone — or by the family, neighbors, community or larger society in general.
When I was young, if a Jewish boy dated (or, heaven forbid) married a non-Jewish girl, this was called a ‘mixed’ relationship or marriage.

interracial-couples-dating

Among the Christian neighbors I grew up with, one kind of Christian (a Catholic, for example marrying a different kind -a Protestant of some type) was regarded as being ‘mixed’ at best — disrespectful and inappropriate at worse. Everyone seemed to think that anyone engaged in a ‘mixed’ relationship of marriage was somehow either mixed up or was ‘acting out’ deliberate rebelliousness. Before I hit adulthood, while that language was still common, it was more often applied to couples of different races.

It probably always was an issue but, where and how I grew up, that was not even discussed, except for the brief flurry of talk about Sammy Davis, Jr. (who we regarded as one of our own because, though black, he had converted to Judaism) when he married a white woman, Swedish-born actress May Britt back in 1960. This made his racially mixed marriage odd but, to us, acceptable.

Today, as was the case when I was young, what defines a ‘˜mixed’ date, relationship or marriage is dependent on the context and the points of view of the people who decide that the label of ‘˜mixed’ applies. It is a purely subjective as that.

Some people regard the social or romantic interaction between certain social classes as being unacceptable mixing. This historically dominant notion, particularly in countries that include, most dramatically, Great Britain and India, has faded considerably but remains an ever present, albeit lesser thread in the weave of their fabric of social expectations and unwritten rules.

South Africa, these very United States and many other countries share histories in which there was simply little if any socially sanctioned inter-racial dating and marriage.

In academic circles and certain social sets who regarded themselves as being desirably elite, it would be an unacceptable mix for a College graduate or professional person to relate, by date or continuing relationship, to a person of lesser intellectual development or achievement. Perhaps surprisingly, the opposition to ‘˜mixing’ was not always a ‘from the top down’ phenomenon.
Some impoverished people are as biased against the well-to-do as is the converse.

There are times when mixed dating is engaged in for ulterior motives, At times, reflecting a deliberate display of a rejection of traditional values. Relationships that begin as social statements are less promising in their long-term outcome than are those begun driven by people demonstrating their attraction to each other rather than their deliberate avoidance of what they have been taught is expected.

There are social circles in which mixed dating and marriage is actually highly valued, reinforced and encouraged. We hear less about this, but that is not because the activity does not occur. It is more apt to be a reflection of what makes ‘news’ that will draw the attention of someone reading a newspaper or magazine. Television news, too, tends to focus on information describing war,
corruption, discord or tragedy.

The bottom line is that the ‘mixing’ is in the mind of the person who thinks that way and uses the term in a way that connotes some kind of breach of accepted etiquette.

Crossing an implied or explicit social boundary is not without consequences, but as Virgil was originally credited with saying in ancient Rome, “omnia vincit amor,” Love Conquers All.

Advertisements

Christians and Interracial Dating – The Beginning of Acceptance

There is good news in race relations on the Gallup Poll as the American minds are slowly beginning to understand things in a way. In fact, almost half of the generations over the age of 65 agree to the idea of interracial marriage. That is, most likely other people doing it which is obviously not a law to be enforced on everyone to have to do it. The youth of the modern age from 18 to 29 approve interracial dating by 95%. After all, the only people who date interracial or cross culturally does it by their own personal choice. The choice has nothing to do with shade , but it expands the option of finding that special someone. As for Christians, this lifestyle widely portrays the notion we all should have known regarding that Bible quote ” all men have sinned and have shortcomings”. Therefore, the issue of interracial or cross cultural relationships should not have blown into such an issue to debate.

Inter-racial-marriage

Meaning, we are all equal and no one is above anyone else in God’s eyes. Unfortunately, people who chose to represent God’s love through Christianity fail continuously to integrate their church family into more than just one color. However, there has been a growth in churches who use the word “United” in their title as an open invitation for all cultures to enter their church family. There are many multicultural mega churches who accept with a whole hearted welcome people from all backgrounds and cultures to worship God. Accepting diversity is accepting God’s masterpieces he created when he made man in all shades with all different features. He didn’t stop there but to make different species of one animals, flowers, plants, trees, rocks and much more.There is a book by authors George Yancey and Sherelyn Whittum Yancey about racially diverse Christian leaders. Interracial and cross cultural families should expect to deal with opposition from bossy individuals. Remember that you are not wrong for your decision, no one has a right to dictate what you should do if you cannot return the favor, and God isn’t against it. We are supposed to remember that God will help us find a way to live with the opposition we already experience as Christians.

Some no Christian interracial couples experience discrimination by peoples negative reactions, but Christians must think about these issues also. Moreover, Christians need to think about what God says in the Bible over what the world thinks. As a Christian, we all have a responsibility to God. Not to leave others out, but to represent God in everything we do. The world wants for themselves, but we seek to abandon worldly thought and strive toward heaven. Family, friends and society will have their views on what people should do in their own personal life…get it? The Bible says “therefore a man to leave his family and cleave unto his wife”. As for friends, it should never be a one sided relationship where your opinions mean nothing. Another Bible quote is “If they speak not according to this word, there is no light in them”.

Society is a part of the world that Christians are told to live as examples to and to tell others. However, if they do not want to learn of God’s love you must not force it. Neither should you in return listen to what they have to say. I believe that in the past before civil rights and human rights there were a lot of underhanded things that were done to people of color. For example, giving low marks to those minorities who actually strive to do better, lying to people about apartment rentals being taken, denying people a job, in restaurants burning up the food for certain people, and the list goes on. Couples today can file a complaint and sue those who overstep their bounds. Lawyers are here for a reason, and family and friends should support you over a bunch of strangers. After all, friend and family are supposed to be your strongest supporters. Those who decide to marry in their own race should not feel intimidated by those who cross over.

You can accept people in many other ways by letting them feel equal to you, and not less important than you. People sometimes feel as if they are being judged by not doing what a particular person does. Perhaps, those words can also help people accept the unions without feeling pressure to do the same. Therefore, no one will be affected when others cross over to other races. These couples will then be treated with the utmost respect once people realize that no one is telling everyone to do it in order to escape the label of prejudice. Trying to appear non prejudice may give the total opposite effect of being prejudice. We should marvel and smile at these families for making a beautiful step forward. These Christian couples should not faint from showing the world that it is possible to love another human being regardless of color or cultural differences.

However, If one door closes, there are probably other interracial couples who know of down to earth areas who would not react irrationally. I suggest looking on line for advice and help. As for the children of these unions, look for good multicultural neighborhoods . Here are some sites that can help those who decide to date openly or marry openly: http://www.uberdate.com , http://www.chritech.com , http://www.alternative-dating-sites.com, http://www.neighborhoodscout.com , http://www.city-data.com, http://www.prleap.com, http://www.interracialvillage.com and http://www.socialgrid.com.

Relationship Tips: Three Reasons Why He Takes You for Granted

Women of all ages voice the complaint that their special guys sometimes (or frequently) take them for granted. If you have found yourself in this situation, then you realize that depending upon the nature of the relationship, this can mean any number of things. Perhaps your beau used to shower you with flowers and candy, or multiple phone calls/emails a day. Maybe it seems as if he’s not as into you as he once was. There are a lot of reasons why the man in your life appears to be losing interest in the romance. Some of those reasons you’re aware of already.

inter-racial-relationship

“Taken for granted? What does that mean?”

One thing that people must realize is that men and women have different thought processes. Women are natural “nurturers.” Thus, it is common for them to expect the niceties that come along with being in a committed relationship. But simply telling your partner that you think he’s taking you for granted may not be enough of an explanation to evoke the response that you’re looking for.

Put plainly, you must first think about the behavior that you’d like him to display. Are the things you want him to do, things he was doing in the beginning of the relationship? If not, then he will have no idea what it is you expect of him. For instance, if he’s never bought you roses on Valentine’s Day, then it would be fairly unrealistic to be hopeful of receiving them out of the blue. In other words, make sure that the kind of behavior you expect is in accordance with the way he treated you at the start of the romance. Otherwise, the best thing to do is to gently broach the topic of what it is you want. Tell him that you really enjoy hearing from him during the day, instead of asking him why he does not call (which might put him on the defensive.) The point is that you might need to be fairly specific with him so that he understands your needs.

You take him for granted too…

The overly-quoted cliché, “two wrongs certainly do not make a right” is applicable when you think about how it concerns people in romantic relationships. Unfortunately, people who get their feelings hurt sometimes echo the behavior of the people who hurt them. That being said, it is very possible that your mate thinks you take him for granted too.

You must remember that men are human beings with feelings too. They want to feel desired, loved, and appreciated too. If your husband finally remembers to take out the trash regularly, after your having harassed him for weeks, there is nothing wrong with telling him how much his help and cooperation means to you. No reward is necessary for such a simple task. But the acknowledgement will make him feel appreciated for his efforts. If you overlook the little things that he does for you, he may subconsciously become resentful because he feels nothing he does will please you.

Additionally, there is nothing wrong with women initiating romance. Imagine how surprised your husband would be if you planned a two-person “surprise” party in the middle of the week for no specific reason whatsoever. Men definitely appreciate ladies who indulge them every once in a while. The occasional effort on your part may prompt him to reciprocate more often.

You smother him…

This is perhaps the most common reason why men at times treat their sweethearts “indifferently.” When women devote all of their energy to their romantic relationships, it can sometimes cause friction in many areas of the romance. It’s important that you allow him the freedom to do the things he enjoys doing on his own. Attempting to account for his every move might cause him to act indignant. He may feel that you’re trying to check up on him. Thus, all those sweet nothings will soon be out the window.

While there should definitely be some sense of cohesion in the relationship, it’s imperative that you do not take yourself for granted. Make sure that you’re spending time doing [some] things that you enjoyed before becoming part of a couple. Everyone needs a little breathing room, especially couples who live together. If you never have the opportunity to experience new things, and miss each other, then your relationship may become stale very quickly.

Relationships: Arguing with Your Partner

In every relationship, there will invariably be problems. Arguments will occur and feelings will be hurt. The key to long lasting relationships has always been communication. Relationships will be made or broken on the type of communication that is involved.

There are several steps to assessing your emotional state and if it is the time to approach your partner about an issue that you have. First, you must evaluate your own feelings.

Are you overreacting because of stress or tiredness? Sometimes understanding that you are overreacting can lead to a civil argument. Accepting your partners’ discussion at face value and understanding why the issue affects them can be a deterrent to overreaction and, quite simply, keep the argument on an even level of open dialog rather than accusations and blame.

If you are feeling anger at someone or something else, admitting this to yourself before you engage in an argument with your partner may allow you to rethink if the proper time to have a discussion is later, rather than now. Anger is an emotion that feeds on negative feelings. When an argument occurs, and the anger is meant for someone else, you hurt your partner with the level of your anger and animosity. In layman terms that is called taking your anger out on someone else. Understand that to have a communicative discussion you must stick to the issue and the emotions involved with that particular issue only.

Are you hormonal at the moment and feeling unusually irritable or sensitive? Hormones make the world go ’round. How we act, react, and perceive actions towards us are determined by hormones. Many women going through premenstrual syndrome will verify that the hormonal imbalance causes them to be irritable or overly sensitive. As well, frustrations and stress will set off hormonal imbalances that cause you to overreact or be unreasonably sensitive. Understanding this and making your partner aware of the problem will result in better discussions. At the least, it will result in an understanding that potentially argumentative issues are not discussed during this time.

If your mood is affected by illness, be aware of this and make your partner aware, as well. Often when we are sick, we do not wish to deal with any problems other than the sickness. Patience level for everything external drops dramatically. If you are the partner, understand that an argumentative discussion may be seen as insensitive to your sick loved ones needs.

Most often, when one assesses their feelings, they may find that their discussions are more hostile due to one of these factors. Understanding that these factors affect your attitude does not make for a better discussion. After assessing these about yourself, then you must asses them about your partner. Both parties doing this will result in a complete understanding of where each person is at on an emotional level.

So, knowing the answers to these questions, how do you decide that it is the right time to bring the issue up and engage in the discussion?

Are you feeling guilty? When your partner approaches you about a problem, is your reaction defensive because you feel guilty? At this point, what should you do? Often, if you feel guilty then whether you are wrong or not is no longer the question. Admit that you feel guilty and your reaction will be more level headed. When an issue is brought up, most times your partner just wants you to admit that you were wrong and understand how that affected them. This may not be the proper approach to starting a discussion, but realizing that you feel guilty, and admitting that certainly is the proper response and keeps the discussion amicable.

Are you avoiding saying you are sorry? No one wants to be wrong. No one truly wants to humble him or herself enough to apologize. Instead, in an argument, they get defensive. The first line of defensiveness is often to turn the argument around to the other partners’ faults. This increases the hostility of an argument and makes it more likely to create hard feelings and no resolution. Reconciling yourself to the fact that you were wrong and apologizing for it is the key to strong communication in a relationship. That is not to say that apologizing will always be enough, but it is never a bad start.

Bearing grudges will always succeed in destroying communication between couples. A relationship cannot handle grudges of the past. Often a partner will comment that the other will never let go of the past. Grudges are unresolved issues. You can spend as much time as you want talking about them, but eventually you must resolve them or they will continue to create the breakdown of effective communication.

What are you really arguing about? This is perhaps the most important question. Are you arguing about the one thing that is bothering you or are you using external reasons in your argument? Are you bringing up the past to make an argument on a present concern? Stick to the issue at hand, every argument does not need to cover every issue. Overwhelming your partner with all their faults and problems will only ensure that the relationship becomes stuck in a cycle of blame and lack of resolution.

When both partners run through these assessment questions and find the answers, then the steps towards a more effective communication can begin. The key to this assessment is honesty to yourself. When each partner is honest with himself or herself, it is far easier to be honest with your significant other.